3 Minutes on Why Foster Care Matters
It's hard to become what you've never seen. | No. 003
*This piece is an expanded and adapted version of an April 2021 post from my personal social media account.*
Three years ago, April 2021, every single one of us was in the thick of it. In some ways it seems like it wasn’t ever real. It never happened or maybe it was a dystopian novel or a wild collective nightmare. Of course though, it was real. The COVID pandemic raged, causing global turbulence and societal grief, anger, and despair.
In the midst of it, we were raising a little boy.
As the world seemed to catch more fire every day and the pandemic effects intensified, our own lives seemed to whittle down, shrinking smaller and smaller. We had been fostering this little boy since fall 2019. Like so many other families, our whole existence had diminished down to our own 4 walls and any outside supports we previously had for our family had all but vanished. Raising a little boy with high emotional and behavioral needs and extensive past trauma in a bubble of isolation had us losing our sanity daily.
Then, one day, something ordinary happened. In the dark throes of the pandemic, anything ordinary happening was actually extraordinary. What happened? A child’s birthday party.
Our little boy was invited to his first (maybe ever) birthday party for a boy in his class. Tough beginnings in life, a pandemic, and foster care complications prevented that very normal rite of passage from happening - until this very special Saturday in 2021. He talked about the party that whole week, wrapped his gift 3 days before the party, set his clean face mask out on the counter, taped the invitation to the fridge (and reminded me every day it was there so I wouldn’t forget), and picked out the most adorable outfit to wear.
When I saw what he was wearing, I told him he looked super cute.
Him: “Maybe the girls at the party will think I’m handsome.”
Me: “Yeah, maybe, but honestly it’s most important that you’re nice to them.”
Him: “So you mean act like Troy?”
Me: “. . . Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.”
This little boy had been sweet and loving since we first met him, but knowing how to respectfully treat women was a lesson he had to learn over time. He didn’t arrive with many positive ideas on how to do that. Through consistent daily modeling, my husband Troy taught him another way to be a man.
Often when I’m having discussions about foster care with others, I hear, “I couldn’t do it. I would get too attached.” That fear is a topic for another day, but ultimately, kids who have been hurt in relationships need relationships to heal - in other words, they need healthy, loving, and consistent attachments to others.
We had no idea how long this little boy would be in our family. I know he left after learning options for alternative ways to treat others. He had seen a different, kinder, and better path that he could choose for himself in life. That was worth the heartache all by itself.
May is Foster Care Awareness Month.
Wow. The part about losing sanity daily with his intense emotional needs. Us with regular tyrannical small people we created doing the same somehow pales. How do you heal relationships but with better other ones! Lady, Happy Substackaversary!
Reading about your little boy’s first birthday party invitation and the care you took to help him feel truly seen and valued hit me on a deeply personal level. I’ve often heard people say, “I could never foster; I’d get too attached.” And each time, my heart twinges because I realise how many children will never hear a safe adult say, “I’m here for you, no matter how hard it gets.” How you navigated the early days of the pandemic, when everything felt so dark and isolated, it made your commitment to this little boy stand out even more. You gave him something that was as constant as it was kind. A glimpse of a loving home that demonstrated respect, warmth, and hope. Thank you for letting us in on your journey. As someone who’s lived the reality of bouncing around in the care system without ever finding a permanent foster family, I find hope in seeing people like you committed to pouring genuine love into a child, however long they stay.